YES, it’s finally happening. Cheer has found a new location with PLENTY OF PARKING !!! This location is MUCH easier to get in and out of – no dangerous Parsons Ave with fast traffic any more.
The location is on the corner of Robertson St and Lithia Pinecrest. This is SOUTH of 60 (Brandon Blvd) by only one block. We don’t have a sign up yet but that’s coming. Drive by and take a look
BRANDON PALMS PROFESSIONAL CENTER
339 E. Robertson St.
Brandon, Fl. 33511
I’ve had several calls asking for sign language classes. No, at this time I don’t teach a class. I’d like to recommend a class — see this link for more info:
http://deafservicebureau.blogspot.com/p/asl-course.html
In addition, every Thursday from 7-9 PM, deaf people and students learning sign language get together at the Brandon Mall Foodcourt for a “silent” dinner. Everyone is welcome. It’s a great place to socialize with deaf people and practice your sign language.
ROADBLOCKS —(More ideas from Dr. Samuel Yochelson & Dr. Stanton E. Samenow)
Effective use of time and energy
People who have effective lives make good use of their time and energy. When you are drinking, drugging, being involved with wrong people, or becoming involved in crime, you are wasting hours of your life that could have been spent productively advancing yourself. Not only is your time being wasted day after day with non-productive activities, but the eventual outcome could include time with your lawyer, time in court, and even incarceration. What else could you be doing to advance your life in a productive manner? Living a clean, sober and honest life will free your time and energy to be advancing yourself personally, in your career, and with your family.
TAX DAY – DON’T DELAY.
Stay positive – this too will pass. Hurray – it’s tomorrow! One extra day to procrastinate.My professional life has been a constant record of disillusion, and many things that seem wonderful to most men are the every-day commonplaces of my business.
Harry Houdini, magician
How many of the above list did you check off? Is your adult life a magic show with constant disillusion of others? People who checked several answers to this list tend to have a life of conning, manipulating and trouble. Are you willing to let people know who you are, or do you carry on you a false front of charm, that hides your true self from others? Are you willing to do the work to make your life successful, or do you sit back and wait for others to care for you, and then blame the world when you don’t get the life you want? Do you blame others when your plans and relationships fail? If you find that this section describes you, and you wish to change, it is especially important that you learn to listen to your thoughts, and use deterrents to stop harmful thinking, and change to thoughts that will lead to positive actions.
It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.
Leonardo da Vinci, inventor and painter
Learning to use STOP Signs.
In chapter two I discussed using thought stopping, or putting up a stop sign when you began using should, or negative thoughts that led to depression or anxiety. Dr. Samuel Yochelson and Dr. Stanton Samenow described the following deterrents, or stop signs, that you can use to manage problem thinking.
Deterrents
Deterrent Thinking Patterns positive plan for thinking changes.
Deterrent 1 — Stop — Think Of The Immediate Consequences – IT’S DANGEROUS!
Before you act, think about the immediate consequences.
Ask, “What gets me into trouble?”
Think, “Using a drug equals prison.”
Remember if anything can go wrong, it will.
Deterrent 2 — Stop And Think About Who Gets Hurt — Reasoning Process
Think about all the problems that similar actions have caused yourself and others in the past.
Use the bad feelings to change yourself.
Think about the whole picture or ripple effect.
Deterrent 3 — Plan Ahead, Think Ahead, Make another Choice
Use this when you are reminded of exciting past actions and you might want more. Consider this poison.
Try to predict with who, where, and under what circumstances you might get into trouble. List ahead of time your past thoughts and actions that equal poison.
Avoid these people and places, and make another choice.
Deterrent 4 — Examination Of Conscience — Moral Inventory Daily
Think, not about the crime itself but that it is wrong.
Think about the injury you have inflicted upon others.
Examine your conscience immediately as you think about irresponsible, criminal conduct. This is a preventive tool.
Deterrent 5 — Do Not Dwell On It. Use responsible thinking patterns to replace the old patterns. Do this in advance and practice it. Irresponsible thoughts are dismissed fast.
At this point, you may think, “I’m not antisocial. I’m the most sociable person I know. I love parties and love being with other people. I really know how to charm my sex partners, and have had many.” In some cases, people may think “I know I’ve had my share of arrests, but they were never my fault and I’m certainly not a criminal.” If this identifies you, I hope you will continue reading this section, as you may find much to relate with.
People involved in addictions are certainly doing much to hurt themselves. However, many of these people also habitually do things that are harmful to others, and go against the norms of society. Antisocial doesn’t mean that a person isn’t a sociable person, but rather that they do things against society.
This behavior didn’t just appear overnight, or as an adult. When we look into their childhood, we find behaviors that went against society beginning from a very early age. Not all children who exhibit these behaviors all or in part, become antisocial or criminal adults, but these are risk factors and are frequently found in the history of criminals. For those of you who dislike the word criminal, imagine that a police officer had a movie of your life. How many years of jail or prison would you have? The definition of criminal is: people who commit crimes, even if they don’t get caught. Many people with criminal thinking are never caught by the law, but they are still hurting themselves and others.
IMAGE THAT YOUR LIFE has been recorded as a TV show that you are watching back. Think about the PATTERN of your life. Think about what would happen if a police were watching it. How much time would you spend in jail for things for which you have never been caught?
The following checklist helps you identify if you may have had childhood behaviors that later lead to crime and drug abuse. While not everyone who abuses drugs or other addictions has these symptoms, they are commonly found among addicts.
CHILDHOOD HISTORY – BEFORE 15 YEARS OLD.
Bedwetting @ age 5+
Temper tantrums
Lying just for the sake of lying
Got angry easily. Used anger to get your way
Trouble concentrating, impulse control problem
Truancy, missing school
Serious misbehavior in school, suspended or expelled
Fighting
Vandalism
Setting fires
Reckless or dangerous behaviors. Daredevil behavior
Running away from home
Cruelty to other children
Hurting animals
Drug abuse
Delinquent behaviors. Theft, shoplifting, breaking and entering, etc
Juvenile arrests
ADULT BEHAVIORS –
1. Using charm to get your way.
2. Using humor to get your way.
3. Impulsive. Does things without thinking about the consequence.
4. Saying what people want to hear so you can get your way.
5. Argumentive when things don’t go your way.
6. Using anger or copping-an-attitude to get your way.
7. Aggressive or explosive when things don’t go your way.
8. Bored often.
9. Moody. Irritable.
10. Lying to get what you want.
11. Lies frequently and easily. Sometimes lies for no reason.
12. Many sex partners. Many failed relationships.
13. Feels people are suckers, or stupid, and I can get what I want from them.
14. Believe that you are smarter or better than most people. Feeling people are gullible and you control them.
15. Feel that people deserve what they get; you need to take care of #1.
16. Sometimes has feelings for others, and has feelings for people close in your life, but doesn’t care about most people.
17. I get what I can from people & don’t think about their feelings – especially not strangers.
18. Doesn’t trust people. Few long-term friends.
19. Feeling you don’t owe people anything, even if you said you would do something.
20. You avoid paying for things, or doing things you promised, if you can get away with it.
21. Reckless. Thrill-seeking or daredevil behavior.
22. Fighting.
23. Problems with authority figures. (bosses, police, PO etc)
24. Job problems. Tends to walk out on jobs.
25. Serious drug abuse.
26. Repeat legal problems or arrests.
I had a man in one of my classes who had trouble hearing this own warning voice, so he tattooed a picture of his mother onto his back. Whenever he had any doubts about his thinking and behavior, he thought about what he would do if his mother were watching him. I’m not suggesting that you tattoo your mother on your back, but do make it a habit to stop and check your thinking, rather than acting automatically in ways that could be harmful to you or others.
April is the beginning of spring and the warming of the Earth. Holidays this month range from Earth Day to Passover and Easter. All of these have the same theme in common, the rebirth of the Earth after the winter freeze. Both Easter and Passover have symbols such as eggs, which represent new life. By now, you are well on your way to a healthy new life. We have examined goal setting, healthy relationships, managing your emotions, and developing a healthy, clean and sober life-style. This chapter will help you to develop awareness of your irrational thoughts that impair your Spring Time feelings, and continue challenging them.
April also begins with the celebration of “April Fools Day.” Recovery entails continuing efforts to become honest with yourself and others, and to avoid the con games and manipulations that many addicts engage in. These con games and tactics may not have begun as a result of your addiction, as the first signs of these problems are often evident in childhood. As with the substance abuse chapter, not everyone will find themselves in this chapter, but if you pride yourself in being a player or hustler, you may find that this chapter speaks strongly to you.
I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection.’Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death.
Leonardo da Vinci, Birthday April 15, 1452- May 2, 1519
Painter & Inventor
Today is April Fools day — do a trick on someone, but make sure it’s something kind. For example – Dr. Goidel loves Ketchup, so one year on April fools I filled his mailbox with over 200 tiny ketchup packages (like McDonalds). After the shock of having ketchup fall and fall and fall out of his mailbox, he was delighted. Find a fun and kind trick to do on your friends and family!
ROADBLOCKS (Addition ideas by Dr. Samuel Yochelson and Dr. Stanton E. Samenow)
Being Deliberately Vague
This is one way that people lie without saying anything false. It’s common in teenagers. When their parents ask them where they went, they answer “out” and what did you do? “Nothing.” Being deliberately vague is a way of failing to be honest, and also is used to cover-up the truth.
Telling Others What They Want to Hear, and Not the Whole Truth
Here is another form of lying. Often people will ask you if you are still drinking or using and you tell them no, I haven’t drank all week, when you are drinking on the weekends. Lying in this manner, as with all the lies being discussed in these roadblocks, isn’t limited to just substance abuse. The child who tells his parents he is doing well in school when he has been skipping classes or is failing, is telling his parents what they want to hear, not what is true.
Omitting Facts, Distorting Truth, and Revealing Only What Pleases oneself.
Half-truths that distort the truth are still lies. This is like the child who ran an errand for his mother, but chose not to tell her that he had stopped at the candy store on the way home. He may feel that he got away with something, but others sense when you are lying, and you will lose their trust and respect.
Agreeing without Commitment
When you say yes, or agree to do something that you don’t intend to do, you are lying. This hurts others because they are depending on you to get something done, and then the job remains undone or is delayed. You are also hurt as you will lose trust with people who are going to consider you untrustworthy and undependable. Again, as with all these forms of lying, you will lose trust and respect as you develop a reputation as being a liar. You aren’t fooling anybody but yourself in the long-run.
Sophocles (c. 496 B.C.–406 B.C.)
A lie never lives to be old.
Acrisius. Frag. 59.
Different people have varying needs for excitement. People who become addicted to drugs & alcohol, and people who become involved in illegal activities, tend to have a high need for excitement. Brain studies have shown that addicts tend to have a lower level of neurotransmitters, or brain chemicals that give a satisfied feeling. Taking risks increases these chemicals in the brain and makes a person feel good. However, there are healthy ways to increase neurotransmitter levels, such as exercise.
Addicts who have been using since adolescence fail to learn that being bored is a normal part of life and to deal with it. Responsible adults know how to accept boredom without using it as an excuse to do drugs. There will always be times when life isn’t as exciting as you wish, and if you are looking for an excuse to abuse your drug of choice, boredom is always an easy excuse to use, but never a valid reason.
There are many healthy alternatives and the choice is yours to make. You also have the choice to decide not to be bored. There are always plenty of healthy activities to do if you look for them. Part of life is that you aren’t always going to be with other people who are willing to entertain you, and you need to learn to become comfortable being with yourself. In addition to exercise, many people use relaxation methods such as praying and meditating to help them focus and get in touch with their own bodies and mind. If you are feeling bored, that is an indication that you need to work on your goal setting, which was discussed in chapter one. People who set goals and are working on them rarely have the need to suffer from boredom.
Learn to Endure Boredom – This is essential. If you can’t stand the long stretches of boredom that come with being a responsible adult, you’ll never be one. Don’t believe for a minute that shifting your addiction to a more socially acceptable form of excitement will change anything. Addicts usually go back to their drug of choice.
Dr. Stanton Samenow
People with addictive behaviors often have trouble with openness and honesty. Even when they do tell the truth, they may omit important facts. John used to go to the store for “milk,” but on the way he’d buy a couple cases of beer to hide in the car trunk.
Addiction necessitates not only lying to others, but also lying to oneself. How many times have you said “my problem really isn’t that bad. I don’t (fill in the blank). I can control it. I only use on weekends (passing out on Saturday night is just as much as problem as on Wednesday night), nobody knows because I don’t use when my family, friends, children can see me (they know), I can concentrate better when I’m high, stoned or drunk (it only seems that way), I’m sexier when I’m drunk or high?” (Neither drunkenness nor impotence is sexy).
Recovery requires complete disclosure. Total honesty without omission of facts is essential for recovery. Keeping a diary or written record of your thinking errors is recommended for progress. If you stop practicing your addiction, but continue lying openly, giving half truths by omitting important facts, twisting and distorting your story, and excusing your addictive behavior, you may be staying free from your addiction temporarily, but you aren’t yet in recovery. Getting honest with yourself and others is essential for you to move on with your life and to put your addiction behind you.
In addition to being honest, you must learn to become receptive to other people. You must be willing to consider other people’s viewpoints, and give up your viewpoint of being superior of others, and above learning from others. I don’t expect you to take in everything uncritically, but it’s important to listen and consider new viewpoints. New ideas and feedback needs to be retained and implemented, not just listened to. You must be willing to accept information about yourself without taking the victim stance or becoming angry.
You also need to become self-critical and work on changing the things you don’t like about yourself. Previously, you may have taken either a victim or victor stance, making everything in your life a contest that you either win or lose. Part of recovery is learning to examine your thinking and behavior, and be willing to change.
Here are some exercises that may be helpful to you in learning to be open and receptive:
Monitor each of the above and keep a daily journal of your thinking.
Ask others close to you to help you by giving you feedback on your behavior. Thank them. Don’t discuss or argue about their comments. Pay attention and try to make changes.
Be critical of yourself. Spend some time nightly recording things you have done during the day. Monitor each of the above in your thought monitoring each week.
Learn from others. Get directions or ask for information.
Ask others close to you to help you by giving you feedback on your behavior. Thank them. Don’t discuss, argue, act angry, or sulk about their comments. Pay attention and try to make changes.
Be critical of yourself. Spend some time nightly recording thoughts and behaviors you have done during the day that you need to change. Also record how you have done well, including positive behaviors and thinking you have experienced.
HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired
SUDS: Seemingly Unimportant Decisions
Watch for these ideas in the story below and examine how they were related to Robert’s relapse. Then discuss how they are also dangerous for your recovery.
Rocky Robert has a terrible day at work. He was angry because his boss gave him a last minute assignment just before lunch and told him that it was urgent that he finishes it today. Robert worked through lunch and stayed late to finish the assignment. His boss never even said “thank you.” Driving home, Robert had to shake his head to stay awake. He hadn’t been sleeping well since his wife took the kids to visit her mother for the week. He missed his wife and children. Roberts’s stomach was grumbling, as he hadn’t had time for lunch. He looked in the refrigerator and didn’t see anything he wanted to eat. He was so tired he didn’t feel like cooking anyway.
Just then the phone rang. Robert looked at the caller ID and hesitated a moment before deciding to answer the phone. It was his old drinking buddy Joe Six-Pack. Robert hadn’t talked to Joe since he’d become sober several months earlier. “I’ll just talk to him a minute,” Robert thought as he said “hello.”
“Hey buddy, I haven’t heard from you in awhile. Why don’t we get together at Pizza ‘N Suds tonight.”
“No. I don’t drink anymore.”
“Hey bud, there’s no need to drink. We can just get pizza. Have you had dinner yet?”
“No, and I’m really hungry. I’m angry about my day, lonely because the wife and kids are gone for the week, and really tired. I don’t suppose it would hurt to go out, but just for pizza.”
“That’s great. I’ll meet you in 20 minutes.” Joe Six-Pack hung up the phone.
What SUDS (seemingly unimportant decisions) did Robert make? When you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired, it’s important to HALT, and check your thinking and actions. Going out to Pizza ‘N Suds with Joe Six-Pack would have been a poor choice for Robert at any time, but especially when he was in a bad state of mind and not thinking clearly.
The steps to Robert’s relapse may have begun days earlier. He knew that his wife was leaving for a week, but he didn’t prepare to have alternative activities. Instead, he sat home and thought about how lonely he was, which led to depression and interfered with his sleep. Robert failed to prepare by having meals in the house, and chose to work through lunch. He failed to be assertive with his boss, and instead held in his anger. These were all seemingly unimportant decisions, but by the time Joe Six-Pack called, the plan was already in place. If he hadn’t already been preparing for a relapse, Robert would have looked at the caller ID and chose not to answer the phone or to have contact with his old drinking buddy. Even after answering the phone, Robert could have quickly ended the call without making plans with Joe. After the call was completed, Robert could still have chosen not to go to Pizza “N Suds, but he continued on the path to destruction with one SUDS after another.
What can you do to HALT yourself and become more aware of your SUDS?
WHEN YOU THINK: “ONLY ONE WON’T HURT,” THINK ABOUT BEING RUN OVER BY A LONG TRAIN–IT’S ALWAYS THE FIRST ONE THAT MATTERS.
MY DRUG OR HABIT OF CHOICE (money and thrills/danger also count as a drug) __________________________________________________________
How old was I when I started using?_____________________________
How often did I use?_________________________________________
How much I did I use? _______________________________________
Other drugs I’ve used (even once) how old, how often, how much?
Describe the situation that brought you to where you are now. I want to know what YOU did, not the police, your partner, or anybody else. Take responsibility for your actions.
Legal problems your addiction has caused?
Relationship problems? How have they improved since being drug free?
Job problems? How has this improved since being drug free?
Physical problems? Eating or sleeping problems? How have they improved since being drug free?
Mental problems? Memory problems? How have they improved since being drug free?
Other ? (Motivation, getting more done, anger etc)
Triggers, Cravings, and Relapse Prevention Plan
Circle all the Excuses that you have told yourself:
Everybody does it It won’t hurt me I can control it
Friends, associates I like getting high It’s fun
bored, nothing to do I’m depressed I’m sad
I’m happy, celebrating I feel anxious My family
Hungry My mother/father Holiday/Party
Lonely My partner Celebration
Angry Stress To sleep
To eat/gain weight To relax/calm down Tired
My kids broke/money To lose weight
Women/men/sex Music Dreams
A craving Mental illness
physical illness OTHER:
Example:
Everybody does it – 1. Most people don’t use drugs. It seemed like everybody does only because I chose friends who do drugs and avoided people who were clean/sober. I am choosing to be with people who use, but I don’t trust them. 2. My new plan is to find friends who are clean and sober, and avoid those who use. 3. If I have a craving I will call a new friend for support, deep breath, go for a walk.
Now it’s your turn. Do at least three examples. Remember, each example has three parts.
TRIGGERS, AND PLAN TO HANDLE TRIGGERS
Here are some common triggers to relapse. Write out your plan to manage each one of these that relates to you. Keep this plan where you can find it easily if you need to review it.
PHYSICAL (cravings, dreams)
SMELL/TASTE/SEE DRUGS:
THOUGHTS OF USING:
FRIENDS/FAMILY:
PLACES YOU USED:
PEOPLE YOU USED WITH:
FEELINGS (depressed, lonely, etc)
STRESSORS (bills, transportation, probation etc)
OTHER
Addictions can be measured like shit. People have varying level of shit in their lives. Some have mouse shit, while others have dog shit, and some have elephant shit. People with mouse shit may include young adults who party too hard. Most will mature out of their excesses and become responsible drinkers, with or without therapy.
People with dog shit need to remain abstinent. If they return to drinking, they will be standing on the edge of a deep canyon. I once heard of a woman who crossed a fence to get a better photo of the edge of the Grand Canyon. There were loose pebbles and when the ground shifted…
Elephant shit people might as well drink gasoline, for even one taste of alcohol is a death sentence. Many have alcoholic parents, and drank alcoholically from their first drink. They can’t go back to controlled drinking because they never could drink with control. They aren’t sick. People who are sick have the potential to get better. They have a genetic trait (not an illness) for abusing substances. It won’t change anymore than will their eye color. They need to understand this, and not try to test it anymore than they would want to test their balance on loose pebbles at the edge of a steep canyon.
A one-day-at-a-time approach sprays the room with floral scent – repeat daily. An effective program gets into the clients’ shit and helps them clean it up. Alcoholics can never drink, but they need goals and future vision, not limited to one day at a time. Substance abuse is like high school – been there, done that. When the substance abusers life becomes filled with healthy thinking, healthy activities, and healthy relationships, then there is no room for deadly mind-altering substances. Drinking again isn’t possible, but recovery to a healthy clean and sober life is an achievable goal.
There is no problem so bad that drugs or alcohol can’t make it worse
How Do You Know If You Have a Problem?
Risk Factors:
Family history of drug or alcohol abuse.
High tolerance – you can drink/use more than most people and not get sick.
Feeling good/happy from using – A night of using is a positive experience.
Indications of a Problem
You feel alone, scared, miserable, and depressed
Drinking more than 4-5 drinks at one time, or more than 20-25 per week.
Have you ever felt the need to cut down on your drinking?
Increased tolerance.
Personality changes while drinking/using/selling.
Have you ever felt annoyed by someone who was criticizing your drinking?
Periods of quitting – stop and start drinking/using/selling.
Feeling you should cut down or quit. Feeling bad or guilty.
Denying or lying about use to yourself or other people.
Have you ever felt guilty about your drinking?
Irresponsible behavior while using/selling (unprotected sex, fighting etc)
Family or friends suggest you cut down or stop.
Feeling annoyed when others criticize your drinking/using/selling.
Underestimate how much you are drinking/using/selling.
Drink/use/sell to relax or calm your nerves.
Drink/use/sell because you feel lonely.
Drink/use/sell to help you sleep.
Drink/use/sell to relieve anger or irritability.
Drink/use/sell to relieve school or work pressures.
Drink/use/sell to go along with others.
Drink/use/sell to relieve boredom.
Drink/use/sell to relieve depression or sadness.
Increase drinking/use/sales after experiencing a loss in your life.
Unable to eat while drinking/using.
Drink/used to relieve hangover or withdrawal symptoms.
Difficulty remembering things that happened.
Drink/use/sell more than you intended.
One DUI.
Other legal involvement related to using.
Ability to drink more than before.
Look forward to drinking/using
Drink/use to get a buzz or drunk
Can hold more than most people
Tell yourself it’s okay because everybody does it.
A night of using/drinking is a fun. It makes you happy.
Feel that you don’t have a problem because other people use more.
Tell yourself that drinking/using isn’t a problem if it’s only on weekends
Feel annoyed when others criticize my drinking/drug use.
Sometimes drink/use more than I intended.
Don’t tell how much I really use
INDICATIONS OF SERIOUS (life threatening) PROBLEM
Drinking/using while pregnant.
Decreased tolerance. Can’t drink as much as you used to.
Repeat DUI’s or legal involvements when drugs/alcohol/ or selling was used.
Use to satisfy a strong craving.
Feel unable to stop or set limits to your drinking/use. Need to use/sell daily.
Have you ever felt the need for a drink at the beginning of the day?
Medical problems due to drinking/using (VD, AIDS, heart, liver, brain damage)
Job loss due to drinking/using/selling.
Loss of family, friends, marriage, children.
Blackouts (can’t remember what you were doing day before).
Pass-out (unconscious).
Used/drank/sold daily.
Drank/used to get going in morning
Jail/Prison related to using
Past Drug Treatment and return to using
Insanity, Dementia (brain damage), Death (you are here yet, but how close are you?)
There are no exact numbers to tell you when you have a problem and when you don’t. Often addicts who are not in recovery believe that their addictive behavior is normal. If you answered yes to any questions in the above four questionnaires, this may be indicating a problem. The more yeses you had, the more serious a problem. If your addiction isn’t drugs or alcohol, consider how you would answer if you replaced the word drugs or alcohol with the name of your addiction. Would you answer differently?
Mature adults understand that they can’t expect others to take care of them. You are responsible for the decisions you make. Nobody forced you into your addiction and nobody will stop you. You make the choice to get up every morning and get on with your day, doing the things that you know are necessary to keep your life running smoothly. When things don’t go as you wish, it’s up to you to continue managing and not to give-up. There are always roadblocks in life, but it’s up to you to challenge and master them, rather than to give up and blame roadblocks for your choice to fail or not.
You never fail until you quit trying. You were born knowing this lesson. When you were a baby you tried over and over again to turn over, sit up, and finally to walk. No matter how many times you fell down, you always got up and tried again. Every important skill that you have mastered in your life took practice and failing over and over again before you finally mastered it. Take responsibility for your life. Don’t give it to others, and don’t give up on your challenges.
Substance abuse, which includes alcohol, illegal substances, harmful chemicals, and abuse of prescription drugs, has the ability of blinding people to the problem. That little March Leprechaun and green beer of St. Patrick’s Day may seem cute, but substance abuse is no laughing matter. I’ve seen people who have lost jobs, friends, family, children, home, freedom, health, and finally their lives over substance abuse. Most people who enter therapy for the first time try to explain why they “don’t have a problem.” I listen to these excuses carefully, for these individuals are telling me the next step and the direction where they are headed. One person may say “I don’t drink daily” and most likely he’s saying that he drinks more days than not and soon will become a daily drinker. When someone tells me, “I’m not homeless. I have a friend living on the street and I’m not like him,” I have a serious concern that this person is heading in this destructive direction.
There are six stages of substance abuse and recovery. People move back and forth between stages, and mastering one doesn’t ensure that you won’t return to it at a later time.
Precontemplation: Not considering quitting. Denies having a problem.
Contemplation: Considering quitting but has made no commitment. Is beginning to become aware that there is a problem that he needs to work on.
Preparation: Planning to quit in the near future and has made attempts to quit. Is beginning to develop actions and a change in life-style that are preliminary to a new lifestyle. He admits to having a problem most of the time.
Early Recovery: Successfully discontinues addictive behavior. Still has addictive thinking, may still associate with other addicts or addictive life-styles. Often considers abstinence to be a temporary state and thinks about going back to using when the present crisis is resolved. May still minimize the extent of his problem and makes excuse for his use. Feels he is recovered because he has stopped using.
Middle Recovery: Has remained abstinent for three to six months and is no longer having cravings or physical withdrawal symptoms. Has looked at his addiction honestly. Has made a commitment to remain abstinent. Has made new friends and avoids people and situations that put him at risk for relapse.
Maintenance: Has maintained abstinence for one year. Has made changes in lifestyle and thinking that encourage ongoing abstinence from addiction.
Relapse: Relapse may occur at any time but does not have to be a permanent setback. I do not consider this to be a stage of recovery, as considering it a stage is allowing for a relapse. If one happens, it’s time to stop and return to abstinence. Being human, we often make bad choices in life, but they do not mean that we have failed, only that we need to get up and begin again.
MARCH
As a child, I always remembered March with the expression “In like a lion, out like a lamb.” March is a month of changes. One day may be icy cold with a bitter wind, and the next day mild and sunny. The cold grip of winter is giving way to spring, but it doesn’t go down without a fight. Of course, now that I’ve moved to Florida, and especially with the recent mild winters, the weather changes aren’t as obvious. However, the mood changes still occur within you as a normal part of recovery. One day you may feel like a raging lion and the next day you will have found, at least temporarily, the peace and serenity of a lamb. You may temporarily feel very uncomfortable as your problems, like the artic winds, fight a losing battle with your newfound health.
While I am writing these next blogs focused on addiction, the advice and information can be helpful as everyone has some areas of their lives in which they act addictively. This could be in relationships, time wasting activities (TV, internet games, bad habits etc)
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
Theodor Seuss Geisel, “Dr. Seuss” Birthday March 2, 1904
Author, Artist, and Poet
ROADBLOCKS: (Identified by Dr. Samuel Yochelson and Dr. Stanton E. Samenow)
Silence or Refusal to Participate
Rather than facing the problem and discussing it, use of this roadblock prevents effective communication. A person using this roadblock is showing all the maturity of a teenager who locks himself in his room. Avoiding unpleasantness by refusing to discuss a problem doesn’t make it go away.
Rather than being willing to look inward, the person pointing out others faults is attempting to focus away from himself and onto the other person. By attacking others, you not only refuse to take responsibility for yourself, but attacking others harms relationships. You would quickly begin avoiding and become emotionally closed to a person who attacked you rather than allowed an open discussion. Putting the focus on other’s faults also distracts the conversation from the real issue.
Uses Anger as a Weapon to Control Others
Often this isn’t real anger, but a control tactic. When someone becomes angry, others tend to give-in to their demands, or try to give them what they want to avoid facing their angry behavior. Even if acting angry gets you your way in the short-run, the long-term consequences of impaired relationships and alienating other people makes it a poor choice to use. Learning to control your emotional outbursts and to communicate well will earn you the respect that demanding and anger never will.
Sex is nature’s way to help two people bond and to stay together for the many years it takes to raise their children. Sex helps two healthy adults maintain a strong relationship. A healthy sexual relationship respects both individuals. A healthy relationship entails commitment and monogamy, but not the need to be together every minute, or to require constant contact and “keeping tabs” on the other one.
Dysfunctional relationships can go in one of two extremes. Promiscuity or “playing the field” is a sure way to lead to at least one person being hurt. It may begin with no commitment, but it’s hard to maintain that. Human nature leads people who are engaging in a sexual relationship to desire increased closeness and monogamy. When one or both partners are involved with outside sex partners, someone almost always gets hurt. Even the person who doesn’t develop close feelings ends up hurt, as by turning off feelings, he often displaces them in another way such as engaging in addictive behaviors. Trust and feelings in a relationship is what leads to good sex. Without it, we aren’t much different from animals, which engage in the sex act, but lack meaningful relationships.
The other extreme of dysfunctional relationships is the “joined at the hip” couple. A relationship is doomed to fail when the couple needs to be together twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. They do everything together and spend all their free time together. Eventually, one person needs his or her space and the relationship ends with one or both parties getting hurt. This situation also lacks trust and is too closed to allow each individual to grow.
A healthy adult-to-adult relationship entails loyalty, but also moderation and the ability for each person to have their own space and time. Individuals need to respect each other, but also need to allow the other person to have his or her own interests. Other areas that are important for a healthy relationship include respect for each other, trust and support, being honest and accountable, negotiating decisions and fairness including shared financial decisions, sharing responsibility for chores and decisions, no violence or threatening behavior, and shared parenting.
We learned about relationships by observing our parents during childhood. Often, people who observed control or violence in childhood seek out a partner who will repeat this pattern. If that pattern was abusive, women are likely to find an abusive partner, and men may imitate their father and find a woman who accepts abuse in the relationship. There are many woman who leave an abusive family, only to go from one abusive partner to the next. Abusive men may have a high level of charisma and be “exciting.” There isn’t any strict rule that the woman becomes the victim and the man the victimizer, but that pattern is the most common one. It can go either way, and men may also be abused. Below is a list published by the Spring of Tampa Bay of warning signs of domestic violence:
Most people desire a healthy relationship, yet many find this hard to achieve. One problem with relationships is that both parties bring their past into the relationship. Jack may think that he is married to Jill, but he doesn’t realize that Jill has brought her past with her. Not only are there Jack and Jill in the home, but Jacks parents, siblings, and possibly even his grandparents, aunts and uncles. Jill has brought with her the same complement of relatives. Their household is crowded even before the first child is born. Thoughts of “why do you always do things that way” and “this is the way my mom or dad did it,” influence the relationship from the start. It is a challenge for the new couple to become adults, interacting in an adult-to-adult mode, rather than one becoming the parent and the other the child.
As a counselor, I often meet with couples who are acting out the role of parent/child. Their interaction becomes an unhappy dance. I know this is happening when they come with comments about “he won’t help,” “she is always nagging,” “he talks to me like I’m a child,” “she thinks she’s the boss and always tells me what to do.” The presenting problems may be more serious, such as mental illness or substance abuse, but it soon becomes evident that poor communication, and failure to achieve adult-to-adult communication is the real problem.
When this is the situation, therapy consists of teaching the couple to use “I messages” and assertive communication when sharing their needs and thoughts. When the other member of the couple begins finding fault, it’s important to listen and understand what is being said, rather than to argue. You may want to repeat back what the person said, “I understand that you are upset because you want me to be more active in child care,” or to listen carefully until your partner is finished talking, even to repeat what they said to check that you understood correctly, and then say “thank you for sharing.” You are not dependant on waiting for the other one to change the dance, but when you begin making changes in yourself, your partner will also begin changing.
Like anger and depression, anxiety comes from your self-talk. Suppose you tell yourself that others must approve of you. If someone doesn’t love you or understand you, then you tell yourself that this is terrible and you can’t stand it. See how you are going down the emotional chart that leads you to feeling anxious or even panicked? In it’s most severe form, anxiety can cripple a person and make him (or her) feel too fearful to even leave their house. He begins telling himself “What if I leave the house? Something terrible might happen. I might have a panic attack and everyone will see me. I might faint. I might have to be taken to the hospital. What if I leave the house and something happens? I won’t be able to stand it.” This is looking for a catastrophe to happen. Albert Ellis calls this “catastrophizing.” I’ve had clients who referred to this as “what if-ing.”
Many people “what if” when their children are home five minutes late. “What if he was hit by a car and is laying on the street bleeding somewhere,” or if their boss doesn’t smile, the thought in their head begins spinning “What if he’s mad at me. I know I’m going to be fired. It’s going to be a catastrophe.”
The more you catastrophize or what if, the more anxious you will feel, and that leads to more and more anxiety. Use the chart to examine your thinking. Is it rational to believe that anytime someone is a few minutes late, or doesn’t smile at you, it means something terrible is about to happen? Of course not. Once you examine your thinking errors and begin replacing them with rational thoughts, you will find that you have no need to suffer from anxiety, or to manage anxiety through addictive behaviors. Remember the car wheel that is stuck in the mud? First, stop and put on the brakes. Then examine the situation and stop worrying about everything that “might” happen. Catastrophes most likely won’t happen, and if they do, then you’ll be in a better state of mind to deal with them if you haven’t spent the day worrying and scaring yourself helpless. Have you heard the song “don’t worry, be happy.” Try making that your theme song while you work on giving up your “what ifs.”
Anger is a normal emotion that everyone experiences. Everyone has times of being happy, sad, frustrated, horny (yes, even your kids and parents), and angry. Anger is neither good nor bad, but is merely an emotional state of being. Anger, like pain, is a warning that something is wrong.
You may not enjoy the feeling of pain, but imagine what life would be like if you lacked this important warning system. Have you ever accidentally put your hand on a hot stove? What happened next? You pulled it away FAST. Had you not felt pain, you might have left your hand on the stove until it burned to ashes. I’m glad to feel pain, as it’s one method my body uses to keep me safe.
Anger, like pain, helps give you a warning when something is wrong. You feel anger when someone or something is violating your beliefs, or shoulds. Suppose I believe that you should arrive at a certain time and you arrive late. I may be telling myself “you should have been here on time, you made me angry.”
Wait, you know better than that. Others don’t control your emotions. Here is the reworded thought. “I’m feeling angry because I expected you to be here on time. I dislike waiting but I chose to wait for you. I made that choice and have no need to blame you for my feelings.” There are some people who have numerous expectations for others and get angry easily. Other people are more likely to “go with the flow,” and find that the less “shoulds” and “musts” that they have for others, the less likely they are to feel angry.
It is necessary to deal with your anger as it arises. When you are feeling angry, you need to stop and identify your “shoulds” that are being violated and rephrase your thinking. There are people who push their anger inside themselves, deny feeling angry, and instead, do things that hurt themselves such as engaging in addictions. When you feel yourself becoming angry, instead of pushing it inside yourself, it’s important to go back to your emotion chart on the previous page and take a detour.
Learning to control your strong emotions such as anger will take practice, and will be an ongoing project. In order to reduce anger, you need to learn to stop feeding your anger by continuing to chew on it over and over again, like a cow chewing it’s cud. You also need to learn to identify your feelings of being violated, and face them openly, rather than through practicing addictive behaviors. You may have irrational belief systems about how you expect others to behave. Examining your beliefs will help you decide which feelings of anger are warning signs of danger, and which ones are irrational ideas that you are putting onto others.
Road Rage: An Example of Displaced Anger and Use of Humor.
Hurry-up Henry believed that he owned the road. He hated to wait in traffic, and became enraged when other cars cut in front of him. If he had a bad morning, or was running late, he felt he had “the right” to lean on his horn, give hand signs out the window, and tailgate any car that “cut me off.” By the time Henry arrived to work, he was exhausted and suffering from a serious headache. His doctor told him that his blood pressure was dangerously high and he needed to learn to calm down.
Henry examined his “shoulds” and realized he held a belief that when he had a bad morning, other drivers “should” get out of his way, they “should” be careful and polite drivers, and no one “should ever” cut in front of him. He wanted other drivers to recognize and respect his bad mood. Henry began to realize that he wasn’t in control of other drivers, and they would never meet his expectations. Henry (who tended to see himself as superior, although he had many serious problems) began to think of the other drivers as monkeys.
“You can’t expect a monkey to be a good driver.” Henry explained. “Since the road is filled with monkey drivers, I get into my car with the thought in his mind that I can’t expect anything from the other drivers. I am responsible for being extra careful because you never know what those monkey drivers will do. Other drivers are not worth getting upset over.”
When Henry had a problem at home, he learned to resolve the problem rather than express it on the road. Henry found that he arrived to work in a calmer mood and his days went much smoother when he drove carefully and avoided fights. When Henry changed his beliefs, he also decreased his anger and learned to manage his road rage. He was happier as he learned to deal with his problems directly, using humor rather than acting them out while driving. Henry’s doctor was pleased to inform him that his blood pressure had gone down to normal.
We’ve all experienced times when our thoughts begin spinning in our head like a wheel spinning out of control. So imagine that you are in a car and a tire is stuck in the mud. The harder you push on the gas pedal, the deeper the tire digs itself into the ground, and the worse your situation becomes. The easiest, and most obvious thing to do is STOP. Yes, just take your foot off the gas and gently put it on the break. STOP! Stop letting the wheels in your mind spin out of control. Yell at the committee “STOP, STOP, STOP.” Yes, you do have this power within yourself. You do NOT have to give unwanted thoughts free rent in your head. You have the power and the choice to stop the wheels from turning. The more you think and the more you talk about your unwanted thoughts, the more you feed them. If you are angry, spend time calming down, going for a walk, exercising, praying or meditating. Do not try to relieve your anger by acting out in an angry way such as attacking a pillow or punching bag – this will only feed your aggression and anger. Find a calming activity instead. Check your “shoulds.” What do you think “should” be happening that isn’t? Is this rational for you to demand, or can you be okay with the situation the way it is now?
SHOULD, MUST, OUGHT, HAVE TO, NEED TO
(irrational beliefs that lead you to becoming upset)
Leads to —>
TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, AWFUL
(Making things a catastrophe)
Leads to —>
I CAN’T STAND IT
(negative self talk)
DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, ANGER,
FRUSTRATION, FEAR, etc
Poor Me
ALCOHOL ABUSE, DRUGS, VIOLENCE,
EMOTIONAL ILLNESS, SUICIDE, HOMICIDE
STOP (mentally tell yourself to stop)
(thought stopping)
Leads to —>
IT’S NOT TERRIBLE
(positive self talk)
Leads to —>
I CAN STAND IT
Acceptance without upset
Leads to —>
I’D PREFER THINGS TO BE DIFFERENT, BUT I’M OK & CAN ACCEPT THIS SITUATION WITHOUT GETTING UPSET.
Sue came to my office shuffling her feet and looking down at the ground. She was unwashed, her hair was unbrushed, and her clothes were wrinkled as though she had been sleeping in them. Her eyes were wet and red from crying. It came as no surprise to me when Sue told me she came for therapy due to depression. She stated that her depression began when her boyfriend had not bought her a valentine gift.
“What should have happened?” I tried helping her identify her irrational beliefs.
“He should have at least bought me a card.”
“Is that terrible?”
“Yes,” Sue continued, “It’s terrible that he doesn’t care about me.”
“So are you upset about not getting a card?”
“No, I’m upset because he should show more caring for me.”
“…and that’s terrible!”
“Yes,” she confirmed.
“And you can’t stand it.”
“That’s right.”
“It sounds as though the committee in your head keeps repeating these ideas over and over. Have you gotten stuck on the idea that your boyfriend isn’t giving you enough loving and attention? How do you think that might relate to your depression?”
“You’re right. I don’t know how to get it out of my mind. I can’t make him give me the attention that I need.”
“Hmm, lets look closer at this. Is it true that you really NEED your boyfriend to love and care about you?” I challenged Sue to dispute her irrational thinking.
“I do need his love. When he doesn’t give me enough attention, it makes me depressed.”
“What exactly makes you depressed?”
At first Sue continued blaming her boyfriend for making her depressed, but over time she began to realize that her depression originated from her own feelings and demands that he act a certain way. Sue’s path to depression went like this: He should love and care about me, it’s terrible when I don’t get enough attention, I can’t stand it when he doesn’t give me as much attention as I want and I feel unloved. When I feel unloved I get depressed.
Sue needed to change her thinking, and realize that although she desired love and attention from her boyfriend, it wasn’t something she needed. She wouldn’t die if she didn’t have his attention, but could continue leading a healthy life without him. Here is her new path of thinking: STOP, I don’t have to keep letting these same thoughts swirl around in my head and make me miserable, it’s not really terrible and there are many worse things (on a scale of one to a hundred, how would you rate not getting a Valentines card?). I can stand it, I would have preferred getting a card and I would prefer it if my boyfriend gave me more attention, but I can be okay if he doesn’t. I have a choice whether or not I want to be depressed.
As Sue began to realize that she has control over her own feelings, she began feeling better. I suggested to her that if she felt the need to have a “pity party” that she schedule one. She needed a day and time to start and stop her pity party. I suggest ten to fifteen minutes of sitting around crying and saying “poor me, poor me.” Then end it and go on with her life. I also suggest that as soon as she begins feeling depressed, to back track and find her shoulds. She doesn’t need to go down the whole path, but can use thought stopping whenever she chooses to stop the pity party.
This chart works well for helping you manage strong emotions, whether they are depression, anxiety, anger, or fear. Look at this chart, derived from ideas by Albert Ellis, and see if you can fill it in it with one of your own strong emotions that you would like to control better.
You have the capability of deciding how you feel. You aren’t at the mercy of uncontrollable outside forces. Even when you have a physical disorder that leads to anxiety or depression, you still make the problem better or worse with your own self-talk. Self-talk is that little voice in the back of your head, and constant discussion that you maintain with yourself. I’ve had students refer to this as “the committee.”
Albert Ellis has written many books discussing the idea that there are many false or irrational beliefs that people hold which, when combined with “should” or “must,” lead to anger, depression, or anxiety. Often the belief isn’t immediately evident and will take a little digging to find. Below is an example of Sad Sue, who believed that she wasn’t good enough herself, but needed love and approval from others in order to matter.
Now that you have an understanding of how an “I message” works, and the two parts, identifying your feelings and giving a specific statement, it’s time to start practicing with other people. You may also discuss your action or behavior, but don’t blame the other person for your actions or thoughts. Here are a few examples. Remember, this isn’t meant to identify your feelings, but rather is meant to be talking to someone else.
I feel _______Upset__________ when___ I come home and find a sink full of dishes. __
I feel ________Proud of you_____when You bring home A’s on your report card.
I feel _____Scared________________ when You came home late and didn’t call me. I chose to stay up late and wait for you.
I feel ____________Frustrated_____________________________ when _I want to get to the party on time, but it was more important to me to go with you, so I chose to wait for you. I would prefer to have left earlier, but the choice was mine.
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
Now that you have practiced on paper. It’s time to practice with your family, friends, and acquaintances. You may want to choose a friend, family member, or your counselor to discuss what this experience was like for you. Many people feel awkward when they first start communicating in this way, but like anything else new, it takes practice to get comfortable with. Remember, “I messages” aren’t a technique to manipulate people to do things that you want, but rather, they are an improved way for you to communicate with others.
The next step in good communication is learning to be specific. Say exactly what you want, and don’t leave it open ended for others to have to guess your meaning.
Here are some examples that are done for you. Yes or no relates to the statement being specific or not:
Clean up the mess – No (This is not specific. I have no idea what mess is being discussed, or even what you mean by clean up.)
Put the toys on the shelf – Yes (This is specific and clearly explains what you want done.)
This kitchen is trashed – No (trashed doesn’t give me a very good idea what the problem is)
The sink is full of dishes — Yes (do you see how much more information is here than in the previous sentence)
1. Clean you room _________
2. Put the clothes in the hamper __________
3. I hate this dinner _____________
4. The peas taste bad to me _______________
5. That dog is covered with mud ____________
6. That dog is disgusting __________________
7. The weather was lousy today ____________
8. It was cold and rainy all day _____________
Your answers should be 1No 2Yes 3No 4Yes 5Yes 6No 7No 8Yes. Do you understand why? If not, re-read the directions or discuss this with your counselor.
I am insistent that you are getting excellent care. If you have any concerns about your counselor, please let me know. Thank you. Linda (my personal cell is (813) 620-4900)
Now you try some. Write Yes if this demonstrates good communication (even if it doesn’t relate personally to you). Write No if it shows poor communication, or blames others for the writer’s feelings.
1. I feel happy __________
2. You make me happy ___________
3. The kids upset me __________________
4. I feel upset with the kids ______________
5. Joe pisses me off ____________
6. I feel pissed off with Joe _________
7. I feel upset because of the dog _________
8. That dog upsets me ___________
Your answers should be 1Yes 2No 3No 4Yes 5No 6Yes 7Yes 8No. Do you understand why? If not, re-read the directions or discuss this with your counselor.
Mike, when I see broken glass on the floor, I’m scared someone will get cut. I need you to get the broom and I will help you clean it up.
Billy, I’m upset when I see all the toys on the floor. I want you to put them in the toy box.
Kerry, I feel upset when I hear you yelling. I need to hear you talking quietly.
I want you to give your dog a bath because he is covered with mud.
Notice that these sentences do not include any blaming. They are specific about how the speaker feels and what he wants done. Here are some more examples. Some are correct “I messages” which contain feeling and specific description, while others are wrong. The reason they are right or wrong is explained after the sentence:
Sue, you make me upset when you make a mess -— Wrong, the other person is NOT responsible for your feelings and make a mess is not specific.
You make me sad when you yell at me -— wrong, other people don’t control your emotions.
Kerry, I feel sad when you act that way - Half and half. Right because the speaker is taking responsibility for his feelings, but wrong because it’s not specific. What way was Kerry acting?
Kerry, I feel sad when you yell at me - right, but see if you can take out the “you.”
Kerry, I feel sad when I get yelled at – YES, this is an excellent “I message.”
Are the following sentences good communication? Write yes or no. The first set is done for you:
I feel angry — Yes (this is correct because the speaker is taking responsibility for her own feelings)
You make me angry — No (this is wrong because others don’t control how you feel. You are allowing yourself to become angry).
I feel pissed off with my ex – Yes (even if this isn’t true for you, it’s good communication because the speaker is taking responsibility for his feelings)
My ex pisses me off – No (the speaker is blaming another person for her feelings, so it is poor communication.)
There are people who would focus on how the boy “should” be punished for not doing the dishes, but the dishes were not really the issue, and punishment only breeds anger. The issue was keeping the relationship healthy and respectful. Tillie may have spent five minutes doing dishes, but she saved an hour not driving across town to the theatre, and then later doing the trip a second time to pick him up. Tillie knew she couldn’t control the boy and force him to stay in the house without breeding resentment, so she limited her response only to what she would do, because that is what she could control. The relationship was far more important than the situation, and Tillie knew this.
When you stop using “you should” and replace it with “I will” or “I prefer” you will find that others are more responsive to you. You may also want to add the word “but” to your thinking. For example “I would like you to clean your room but I can’t control you. I have a choice to close the door instead.” “I wish Mary would pay the bills on time, but that’s her business and isn’t my problem.”
I have another story about another 15-year-old boy. This boy asked his mother, Tired Tillie, if she would drive him to the movies. Tillie didn’t want to drive to the theatre but decided that she would do so if her son would wash the dishes. Tillie knew that her son could get a ride from a friend and wisely didn’t tell him that he couldn’t go, which would have escalated into a fight if he defied her, or resulted in anger on his part if he didn’t. The issue was not whether or not her son could see a movie, but rather, whether Tillie would drive him to the theatre. The situation ended up being a win-win situation. Her son called a friend and went to the movie while Tillie enjoyed a quiet evening at home.
Here is an assignment that I would like you to do for one week (consider it free therapy). Keep a small piece of paper with you – I’d suggest a 3×5 card, and keep a tally of every time you say or think “should”, “must” or any related word. You will probably be surprised by how often such words enter your vocabulary. Also pay attention to how often you use “you, never, always and why.” Other communication blockers include curse words and racial slurs. Both give people a negative impression of you, and limit effective communication. You will communicate far better if you refer to “that blue chair in the corner” rather than the “F…ing chair,” unless of course, the chair is actually engaged in that activity – in which case that would be the correct word to use.
Try replacing “you should” with the words “I prefer.” Take responsibility only for your own behavior and remember that you can’t control others. You may tell others what you would like, or ask them to do something, the final decision is theirs, and they don’t owe you anything just because you asked for it. Here are some examples below of good communication:
I don’t like your clothes on the floor.
I wish you could pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper.
Please pick up your clothes.
I prefer not having to walk over your clothes.
I’m doing the laundry now and need you to bring your clothes, or they won’t get washed.
I will throw away any clothes that I find on the floor. (only say this if you mean it).
I will put all the clothes in a bag and keep them until I don’t see clothes dropped on the floor any more.
People and things do not upset us, rather we upset ourselves by believing that they can upset us.
Albert Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Therapy
COMMUNICATION
The human species are born to communicate. All but a minority of people learn to talk and communicate within their first two to three years of life. The fact that you are presently reading this, or listening to someone else read it, proves that you have an innate ability to communicate. That being said, clearly some people have better communication skills than others, and most people could use some improvement in developing their communication skills. If you aren’t good at communicating with others, it’s not because there is something wrong with you or that you are unable to learn this, it’s because you need to learn a few basic, simple skills that will improve your interaction with others.
Many people communicate by telling others about themselves, name-calling, or blaming others for how they feel. Here are a few examples of such poor communication:
You never get it right.
You always screw everything up.
What is wrong with you?
You should be doing it my way.
Why can’t you ever get it right?
You are an idiot!
Tomorrow I’ll share some better ways to communicate
February Newsletter – here is the link to see it with pictures. If it doesn’t work here, try it on my facebook. I know that works. Enjoy! Linda
February Newsletter from Cheer Counseling
icont.ac
Cheer Counseling provides cheerful, high quality and affordable counseling. We offer old-fashioned personal service that excels in all areas from office staff to counselors.
Happy Valentines Day from our Cheer Family to your family.
RELATIONSHIPS
One of the most important areas of people’s lives, yet one of the most stressful, is our relationships with our families. The problems come about when we have expectations for our family members to change, but they never do. As long as you are trying to get someone else to change, you are unlikely to be successful. Change your focus on the one person that you CAN control – yourself, and you’ll gain power in a difficult situation. Remember, the only person you have control over is yourself, and once you accept that fact and begin taking power only over yourself, you’ll feel calmer, happier and more in-control than you’ve ever been before.
Groan of the Day
The head psychiatrist decides it’s time to see whether some patients are ready to leave the “hospital” so he takes one to a room where there is a large, empty swimming pool, and a diving board overhanging it.
He takes the patient to the edge of the board and says: “Jump!” The patient jumps and breaks both his legs and is carried away.
The next patient is taken up and after the same injunction, jumps and breaks both her arms and is carried away.
The last patient is taken up and told to jump and he refuses.
The head psychiatrist says, “Congratulations! You have passed the test, and are free to leave, but tell me out of curiosity why you refused to jump.” The patient replies, “I can’t swim.”
NEW WEBSITE
I’m excited to announce the NEW Cheer Website. Same address:
www.cheercounseling.com
I’m blogging regularly, so check-in and see what I’ve got to say. Or even better, write me if you have something to share, and I may post your comments on my blog. Thanks so much! Linda
Counselor of the Month
William “Mr. Bill” Hogan
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)
MA from the University of South Florida
BA in Psychology from the University of West Florida
Since 1983 Bill Hogan has been a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and is a certified parent educator, practicum supervisor and developer of mental health programming. He has been married for 33 years and has two daughters who have graduated from Florida colleges and are raising families of their own.
Formerly Mr. Hogan was the Program Manager for the Department of Children’s Services where he managed Tampa’s Haven W. Poe Runaway Shelter, and residential programs for children with emotional problems and pre-delinquency issues. He coordinated department wide recruitment, volunteer placement, parent education and community development.
He has worked for almost 40 years with Children and Families at all levels from child caring, counseling, supervision and program development. He has retired from program responsibilities and returned to Family Therapy and practices at Cheer Counseling in Brandon, Fl.
Bill is active in Gasparella events, and lives in Tampa
Welcome to February. The New Year is well begun and you are continuing with your resolutions and new life. Since Valentines Day is February 14th, the focus of this month will be Love and Relationships. One key topic that this month covers is improved communication. A key point in your recovery includes developing and maintaining healthy relationships with people who support your positive goals and abstinence from harmful thinking and behaviors.
It is essential for your recovery to understand that you are not in control of others, and they in turn, have no control over you, unless you chose to give them that control. There are many people who will put you down, call you names, and attempt to take control over your life, behavior, and even your thoughts. If someone calls you insane, or tells you that your life in unmanageable, you need to challenge this within yourself. Most people, even those with serious problems, manage fairly well in most areas of their lives, and are quite sane, although they may do crazy things at times.
Some serious drug addicts, alcoholics, and mentally ill individuals do reach a low level of unmanageability and end up going from crisis to crisis, becoming homeless and living in the woods, but that is generally a minority of addicts at the end stage of their addiction.
Far more people remain functional and manage their lives fairly well in spite of their problems. I want you to clearly understand that no one, or nothing, but yourself, can either keep you from practicing your addiction, or make you engage in it. Your friend, neighbor, partner or higher power did not force you to engage in your addictions, and none of them will stop you either. The power to abstain from drugs, alcohol, unhealthy people, unhealthy activities, and addictive or dysfunctional behavior lies only within yourself.
Many people find it much easier to minimize or deny their behavior than to look at themselves honestly. You know you are doing this if you use the words “only, but, or just.” “Sure I drank until I passed out, BUT it was New Years.” “I ONLY used a little cocaine.” “I JUST had one 12-pack. I don’t know why you are making such a big deal about my driving home.” “JUST one piece of cake won’t hurt my diet, I can start again tomorrow.” “I ONLY want to enjoy myself this once.” “It won’t hurt to gamble one more time, I JUST want to win back my losses” “Sex with a stranger won’t hurt, it’s ONLY one time. I won’t catch AIDS” Watch out when you start thinking “I don’t really have a problem.” “There’s no reason for me to continue contact with my support people” or “Just one won’t hurt.” Such thinking is often the first step to a planned relapse, and all relapses are planned. I don’t use the word “slip” unless I’m talking about someone falling on a banana peal. That’s a slip. Returning to your addiction or dysfunctional behavior is a “planned relapse.” You won’t relapse unless you set that as one of your goals, and begin working on achieving that goal by cutting ties with healthy people and activities. Your relapse begins when you start seeking out activities and people (people, places and things) that will lead you back into your dysfunctional or addictive behaviors.
That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong.
William J. H. Boetcker
Set your goals and resolutions with care, for whatever you plan is likely to happen. Chose your company well, for they are the model for your future. Engage in activities that lead to a healthy life. Have a very happy New Year, and I hope this book helps you stay on your path to recovery.
Life isn’t a fairy-tale story where you only need to do what pleases you. An attitude like that is evident when people begin experimenting with drugs or other serious addictions. Sure, getting high, drunk is self-gratifying for the moment, but there are serious long-term consequences because you are abusing your brain and body. You need to find a balance between enjoying yourself in a responsible manner and taking care of your obligations, so that your life remains manageable. Failure to meet obligations will lead you to feeling that your life is out of control. You can take back control of your life by doing necessary things, such as going to work and paying bills, even if they are not enjoyable in the moment. The long-term outcome is greater peace and comfort.
Roadblocks are patterns of thinking, as described by Dr. Stanton Samenow and Dr. Samuel Yochelson, that result in life problems. Dr. Samenow and Dr. Yochelson found that these are common thinking errors of criminals and drug addicts. Dr. Albert Ellis also described various thinking patterns that lead to life problems in average people without serious criminal or substance abuse problems. He called these irrational beliefs. Throughout this book, I will be presenting the work of these men, concepts that often overlap, and helping you learn to examine your own thinking patterns and the roadblocks you use that are harmful to your own happiness and mental health.
ROADBLOCKS
Avoiding Duties and Obligations.
Avoiding your duties and obligations by forgetting, putting them off, or depending on others to do them for you will result in a reactive life-style, where you spend unnecessary time and energy trying to fix problems that never needed to happen in the first place. Responsible people take care of their obligations up front. Failure to meet your obligations is a clear risk factor that will increase stress in your life and eventually lead you back to your addictions.
PROACTIVE AND REACTIVE
I’m sure you have known people, and you may even be one, who goes from crisis to crisis. They always seem to have a problem of the week, and ordinary events for others become serious traumas for them. They live their life as though they were making snowballs and rolling them down a snowy slope. They start with something small and easy to manage, but end up with huge boulders.
This is like Sad Sammy, who forgot to put gasoline in his car and then get stuck on his way to work, lost his job for not getting there, couldn’t pay his rent, and ended up living homeless on the street, all because he didn’t stop at a gas station on time.
Then there was Hungry Hanna who didn’t pay her electric bill and threw away the warning turn-off notice. She felt depressed because she couldn’t pay her electric bill so to help her feel better, she went shopping and bought enough food for a month, but the next day her power was turned off, and all her food spoiled.
Sammy and Hanna were living their lives reactively. Rather than being proactive and taking care of small problems, they waited until their problems became huge and unmanageable. Then Sammy and Hanna had to react to the problem, trying to fix it. How much better off they would have been if they had been proactive, and taken care of basic day to day problems up front. Putting gas in your car, paying your bills, and getting to work on time are all part of normal everyday activities. People who fail to proactively take care of their basic needs end up living in a reactive crisis mode, spending all their time and energy picking up the pieces rather than preventing the problem in the beginning. Living a reactive life promotes relapse back into your addiction. Setting small everyday goals and completing them helps you stay in a proactive state. Take care of problems at the top of the hill, when they are snowballs, rather than pushing them down the hill and waiting for them to become boulders.
It’s not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what’s required.
Sir Winston Churchill
British politician (1874 – 1965)
Victor Hugo
French dramatist, novelist, & poet (1802 – 1885)
FREEING YOURSELF FROM YOUR PAST
Often we let our past get in the way of achieving our goals and dreams. I know you didn’t have a perfect childhood, but I’ll let you in on a secret: Nobody had that elusive, perfect childhood. All of our parents meant well, and they all messed-up at least once while raising you, and like it or not, you messed up (or will mess up) raising your own children. Life just doesn’t work out the way we planned, but plan anyway, because it’s the only way for you to have even a slight chance of controlling your life. Without plans or goals, you could stay stuck in the past. The past is gone, so it’s time to move on. The past doesn’t need to control your present. When you wake-up each morning, you have a choice on how you chose to think. You might groan “I have to go to that lousy job,” or you might wake up with an excited shout “I am so lucky to have my job, and it’s going to be a wonderful day!” You can spend time ruminating (that’s what cows do when they chew their cud) over abuse that happened during your childhood, use drugs or dysfunctional behaviors to help you forget the abuse, or you might tell yourself, “it’s time to get over it. I am no longer a helpless child who can’t control what happens to me.”
You are now a powerful adult and nothing or no one can control you unless you give them your permission. Are you giving negative thoughts free-rent in your head? Events in your life can’t make you angry, happy or depressed. It’s how you interpret and react to these events that result in your thoughts and moods.
Suppose you meet someone and fall in love. This is your dream partner, love of your life, your one and only, till death do we part, and you’re walking on clouds feeling that you are the happiest person who ever lived. How would you feel if your partner came to you one day and said “I found someone new, so get lost”? You’d be devastated. You might stay in bed and cry for weeks, or mope and find no pleasure in anything. Some people would go to the extreme of committing suicide. Now suppose that you have found someone better and need to tell your partner that you want out. Imagine the same scene with your partner telling you “I found someone new, so get lost.” Think about how differently you would feel, even though your partner’s behavior was exactly the same in each scenario. You would be relieved that it is over, and maybe you’d go out and celebrate that same day. In the first scene you would feel awful and the second scene, with your partner acting identically, you would feel joyful. You see, it isn’t your partner controlling your feelings, but rather it’s you who is in control.
“But isn’t it normal to feel sad when someone close to me dies?”
Of course. You aren’t a robot. I’m not telling you not to feel. I just want you to understand that you, and nobody else, is in control of your feelings. Nobody can make you sad, happy, angry, depressed or overjoyed. Your feelings originate within yourself.
“But my doctor says I have a biological disorder and need to take anti-depressants or anxiety pills.”
Now, I am not a doctor, and I’m NOT telling you to disregard your doctor and stop your medications, but imagine how you would feel if you found out that you won a hundred million dollar lottery. Imagine how you would feel if you fell in love. How would you feel if you gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby? If you are still depressed, then you probably do have a biological disorder that needs to be treated medically. If you aren’t, then the above are examples of a medical condition being cured by your thoughts …and you thought you were powerless over your thoughts! Sometimes medication is necessary to help you get through a tough time in your life, such as the death of a parent, but even then, it doesn’t need to continue for years after the crisis has resolved. Now it’s time to let your past go. Drinking, drugging, moping, or eating to excess isn’t going to cure your past hurts, but extreme behavior in any way can only make things worse in the long run.
Lets look at another goal. For New Years you decide to run a mile every morning. Now, if you are like many people, you aren’t in good enough shape to run a mile. If you try, tomorrow you will be sore and tired, and your New Years resolution (goal) will fade and be forgotten. It’s better to break-up your goal into small achievable parts. You may plan to get up an hour early tomorrow morning. Don’t try running, don’t even plan on walking, just get up and start your day an hour earlier than you are used to. After a week or so, you will become accustomed to getting up early, and the earlier time will become natural for you. Now start walking. For the next week walk a mile. Once you are used to doing that, start running for short periods. Run, walk, run, walk. Gradually increase the amount of time you are running until you are running the full mile daily. This may take weeks, or if you’ve been a major couch potato for a long time, it might take months to achieve. A goal doesn’t happen in one day – it takes time and work. A goal worth doing may take many years (yes, years) to accomplish. If you ever need a brain surgeon, you will want to hire the doctor who was well coordinated and could use his hands well since childhood. You know, the one who could color in the lines from an early age. That reminds me of that old joke where the kid asks a musician how to get to Carnegie Hall and the musician tells the kid “practice, practice, practice.”
When you set your goals, decide what you want to accomplish. Set a date and time when you will work on your goal. Have the goal specific and measurable, such as “do one more sit-up every day until I can do a hundred,” rather than to “get into better shape”. “I will spend Saturday nights playing with my children for two hours” is a goal, while “I won’t go to the bar on Saturday nights” isn’t. Don’t be afraid to stretch your imagination and reach for the sky. If it’s your dream, jump out of an airplane, but don’t take dangerous risks either: use a parachute! Another common expression that I’m sure you’ve heard is: If you fail to plan then you plan to fail.
Just because something doesn’t do what you planned it to do doesn’t mean it’s useless.
Thomas A. Edison
US inventor (1847 – 1931)
Government survey finds that 5 percent of Americans suffer from a ‘serious mental illness’
By David Brown, Thursday, January 19, 12:02 AM
About 20 percent of American adults suffer some sort of mental illness each year, and about 5 percent experience a serious disorder that disrupts work, family or social life, according to a government report released Thursday.
The annual National Survey on Drug Use and Health sketches a now-familiar picture of a country where mental illness is common and the demand for treatment high.
Mental illness is most prevalent in women, young adults, the unemployed and people with low incomes. Drug and alcohol abuse is more than twice as common in people with mental illness than those without it. About 4 percent of adults contemplate suicide each year.
According to the study, slightly less than half the people with any mental illness — and only 60 percent of those with serious, disabling ones — get treatment each year. Whites and Native Americans are more likely to get treatment than blacks, Hispanics or Asians.
In all, about 14 percent of American adults receive some sort of behavioral care each year — and one in five said he or she wanted more, the survey found. Of the people reporting an “unmet need” for mental-health care, about 40 percent said they couldn’t afford it.
Prescription medicine was the most common treatment, used by 12 percent of adults. Between 2002 and 2010, the percentage of adults getting outpatient counseling fell slightly (to 7 percent), while the fraction of adults using a prescription drug went up.
The findings were drawn from interviews with about 68,500 randomly selected Americans living at homes, dormitories or shelters in 2010. It did not include people living on the street, active-duty members of the military, prisoners or hospital patients.
“This is a good picture of what the households in the country really look like,” said Pete Delany, an official of the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, the agency that oversees the survey.
The survey was face to face, although the interview subjects answered many of the questions on a computer screen, a technique shown to increase candor about touchy subjects. The surveyors were not mental health professionals, although a sample of respondents were interviewed in greater detail by such people.
The questions were designed to uncover a range of problems, such as depression, anxiety, psychosis and adjustment disorders. Although drug and alcohol abuse qualify as mental disorders in psychiatry’s diagnostic manual, they weren’t considered as such in this survey. That will allow researchers to see the extent to which substance abuse and specific mental illnesses occur simultaneously.
Among the 46 million people age 18 and older who had a mental illness in 2010, 20 percent also met the criteria for substance abuse. For people ages 18 to 25, the rate was 32 percent. About 8 percent of Native Americans had both mental illness and substance abuse — twice the rate seen in blacks and whites.
“These should be taken as upper limits only,” Allen Frances, a retired professor of psychiatry at Duke University, said of the numbers in the survey. “I am skeptical that rates this high make sense.”
Frances oversaw the revision of the profession’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders from 1987 to 1994. He said surveys generally lack the ability to judge the severity of symptoms, which is essential to deciding whether something qualifies as an illness.
Daniel J. Carlat, a Massachusetts psychiatrist whose 2010 book “Unhinged: The Trouble With Psychiatry” criticized the profession’s overreliance on prescription drugs, agreed “that there is a kind of alarmist quality to these reports.” The disorders found could include spider-phobia and staying upset for a long time after arguing with one’s spouse.
“There is a stigma about ‘mental illness’ that as soon as you hear the term people assume that it’s something quite severe. The nuances of this type of data tend to be lost on people,” he said. He added, however, that he doesn’t doubt that 5 percent of the population has a serious mental disorder.
Now, to get back on topic, here are some examples of how to set goals. Remember, a goal must be measurable and have a set time. It must be a positive action. I want to be happy isn’t a goal because there is no way to measure happiness. When people give me this goal, I ask them to define happiness. “I won’t drink” isn’t a goal because it doesn’t say what you WILL be doing. There are lots of things that I won’t do. I will never grow wings and fly to the moon. I won’t swim across the Pacific Ocean, and I won’t be arrested and put in jail for robbing a bank. However, these aren’t goals because I don’t have to make any effort to achieve them. I could achieve these non-goals by staying in bed and sleeping all day. Here are some examples of goals that are measurable, including what you are going to do and when. l
Suppose you decide to write a book, this might impress some people, but it shouldn’t. Can you write one page? Most people can. Imagine that you decide to write one page everyday for the next six months. At the end of that time, you’d have written 182 pages, which is a respectable book. Writing a book isn’t very hard, but writing it well is far more difficult. This will take studying, reading about how to write, and feedback from other people who can look at your work with a fresh eye. Still, if you really want to write a book, plan a date to begin. Someday never happens.
Please understand that everything I suggest will not be exactly right for you. You are free to pick and chose what will work for you, and what won’t. I’ve had people tell me that putting themselves in control didn’t work for them, and they need to give control to another person or to God. I’ve had people who are trying to get over obsessive behaviors tell me that list writing had become an uncontrollable obsession for them. If your goal is to stop writing lists, then please disregard my advice to keep a list. People in early recovery often need to avoid their drug of choice (which isn’t limited to drugs, but rather refers to your specific problem area) just one day at a time, or sometimes one minute at a time. In short, use what works for you, and disregard what doesn’t.
Here is one more real life example relating to goal setting. Imagine you are building a house. One of the first things you will do before building is to draw a blueprint and floor plan. You wouldn’t even consider building a house without a plan, but what is more important to you, your house or your life?
Your life is far too important to just drift without a plan. Drifting without a plan often leads people into serious problems such as drug addiction, depression, anxiety, psychiatric hospitalization, and incarceration. Making a habit of regularly setting goals for yourself is essential to recovery. Living one day at a time is living only one day away from a relapse, and is an ill-advised long-term recovery plan.
The second part is to set a time to achieve your goal. I hear too many people saying, “someday I want to write a book,” or “someday I want to change my bad habit,” but someday never comes. If you want to set a goal, you need to start your plan today. For example, today I will take a step from the floor to the first step. Tomorrow I will step onto the second step. In ten days I will reach the top of the stairs.
I also suggest that you write down your goals to help you stay focused on your plan. It’s far easier to remember your goals if they are written down and kept in a place where you will see them often. I often write my goals in the form of a to-do list that I check as I accomplish each goal. Every time I cross off another item on the list, it’s like giving myself a pat on the back for doing a good job. You might want to try this suggestion, or to establish your own plan instead. I have confidence that you will find your best path towards goal setting. However, whether you actively set goals or not, your life is going to change with time. How much better it is to use a map and plan your route than to just drive around making random turns and getting nowhere.
January is the official time for looking at your life and setting resolutions or goals to make this year better. We do it every year, and every year those resolutions end up being given up or forgotten almost as quickly as they were made. The problem isn’t that you aren’t able to keep resolutions, you have made more in your life than you realize, but that you don’t know how to set up a plan to follow-through and stay on track.
Many people ask why they should even make a goal. “Life is going along all right,” they tell me. I have heard this from people who were depressed, anxious, addicted to drugs or alcohol, on probation or house arrest, their family and partner want nothing to do with them, and they were recently fired from their job and worried that they will soon be homeless. “Goals are the last thing I need to worry about,” they tell me.
So why do you need goals anyway? You aren’t in such a bad situation.
“My life is going along okay. Besides, I might get run over by a truck and die tomorrow. Can you guarantee that I won’t die tomorrow?”
Of course not, but that question is a tactic, or manipulation to go off track, rather than taking responsibility to improve your life. You might die, but then again, you might live to be a hundred, and without goals, what will you have accomplished in your life?
Image that you are on a ship that capsizes. If you can’t see land, you might start swimming, but most likely you’ll only swim in a large circle and get nowhere. Now suppose that you can see a sliver of land in the distance. Reaching that land will now become your goal. You will start swimming towards the land. There is no guarantee that you will make it. You might become exhausted and drown, or a shark may make you it’s dinner, but you’re better off trying to reach the land than staying in the middle of the ocean going nowhere. You might swim for a while and then see another island closer than the first. In that case, you most likely will change your goal and swim for the closer land.
Goals are never written in concrete, and may be changed as needed. Thomas Edison, the inventor of the light bulb, had hundreds of failed attempts before he finally succeeded. However, we don’t remember Edison for his failures, which have been forgotten, but for his successes.
You might not accomplish your goal because you don’t know how to establish one, but once you know how, it isn’t hard to set goals and follow through. The key points to goal setting include having a measurable goal and setting a date.
I’d like you to picture your goal, or resolution, as a staircase. You are at the bottom of the stairs, and your goal is on the top step. You can’t do this in one step, but need to climb those steps, one at a time, until you reach the top. Too many of us look at the top step and say, “I can never jump that high. Getting to the top of that is impossible for me. I’ll just give it up.” You are right, no one can jump the height of a flight of stairs, but you don’t have to be able to jump a flight a stairs to reach the top. You only need to lift your foot enough to reach one stair. That, you can do easily. Reaching your goal must be done one step at a time.
Welcome to another year! You have opened this blog for various reasons, possibly out of curiosity, or maybe as part of a class. Hopefully, you are reading this because you are interested in what I have to say, and you are trying to make changes in your life. You may be reading this blog because you realize that you have a problem in your life and want help to recover.
I want to assure you that you are NOT powerless over your thoughts, moods or addictions. You make a choice to eat too much, drink too much, use illegal drugs, take too many prescription pills, have irresponsible sex, gamble more than you can afford, wash your hands too much, obsessively pray, excessively shop, or exercise to an extreme.
Even feelings such as depression and anxiety are within your control, although you may not yet be aware of how you choose your problems. Many things that are normal and healthy become a problem if done to excess, but you are powerful, and you have the ability within yourself to make changes. For the most part, your life is manageable. You have family, friendships and possibly a relationship. You function in work or school, have hobbies, and pay your bills. Having a problem doesn’t mean that your life is unmanageable. If the truth be known, there is not a person alive who doesn’t have some kind of problem. The fact that you are reading this shows the power and control that you have in your life. You have decided that certain parts of your life need changes and you are managing the changes that you need to make.January is the official time for looking at your life and setting resolutions or goals to make this year better. We do it every year, and every year those resolutions end up being given up or forgotten almost as quickly as they were made. The problem isn’t that you aren’t able to keep resolutions, you have made more in your life than you realize, but that you don’t know how to set up a plan to follow-through and stay on track.
Many people ask why they should even make a goal. “Life is going along all right,” they tell me. I have heard this from people who were depressed, anxious, addicted to drugs or alcohol, on probation or house arrest, their family and partner want nothing to do with them, and they were recently fired from their job and worried that they will soon be homeless. “Goals are the last thing I need to worry about,” they tell me.
So why do you need goals anyway? You aren’t in such a bad situation.
“My life is going along okay. Besides, I might get run over by a truck and die tomorrow. Can you guarantee that I won’t die tomorrow?”
Of course not, but that question is a tactic, or manipulation to go off track, rather than taking responsibility to improve your life. You might die, but then again, you might live to be a hundred, and without goals, what will you have accomplished in your life?
Image that you are on a ship that capsizes. If you can’t see land, you might start swimming, but most likely you’ll only swim in a large circle and get nowhere. Now suppose that you can see a sliver of land in the distance. Reaching that land will now become your goal. You will start swimming towards the land. There is no guarantee that you will make it. You might become exhausted and drown, or a shark may make you it’s dinner, but you’re better off trying to reach the land than staying in the middle of the ocean going nowhere. You might swim for a while and then see another island closer than the first. In that case, you most likely will change your goal and swim for the closer land.
Cheer Counseling has a new website, and we will have many new programs starting this year! I’ll be posting regularly on this site with helpful information. January I will be talking about goal setting (how to make and follow your resolutions), February and Valentines day is a given for talking about improved relationships. With many people out of work, I promise to address what I (and other employers) look for when hiring someone. Check back soon — and have a wonderful new year. Cheer Counseling serves the Brandon and Tampa Bay area, including Riverview, Tampa, Temple Terrace, Valrico, Bloomingdale, Fish Hawk, Plant City and surrounding areas.